just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
