I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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