I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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