It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
