Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize