Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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