Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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