It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
my liver is dry heaving
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
