I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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