it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
