I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Everything about him screamed your future.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
