The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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