my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize