Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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