I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
