why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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