Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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