ya dads aren't the best wingmen
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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