A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
