The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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