i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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