omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
