I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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