A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
