i barfeds in our rink
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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