Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
