mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
