My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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