You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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