i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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