Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
