Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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