booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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