tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize