Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
