when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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