Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
