Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Found your dick twin last night
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
