Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my shit smells like andre
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
