I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
