Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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