i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
