dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
