"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
