How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I could make wine with my vomit
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
