I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
