I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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