just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
