And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
