I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
