I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
