A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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