At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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