On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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