I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
