your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
