I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
it glows. i had to have it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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