Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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