i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
