my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
