I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
