I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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